October 2003
by kimmuts
Summary: Chapter 12 up! It took some time :( I hope some are still reading this. Rachel writes to Ella, which gives her a hard time sometimes.
1. 22 october 2003

22 October 2003  
  
It's been a year….dad died a year ago. I can't tell you how much I miss him. I can't tell you how much I wanted him to be here. I have all these memories in my head...they just keep flashing in my head, as I think of dad. I feel so sorry for you...you never really knew him. I wish you could have know him, so we could laugh about some memories when you are bigger. That will never happen, I only have your mother to laugh about memories. This is my 5th notebook to you, Ella....I promised you to tell you something about Dad, every day a little bit more, starting now. There's so much to tell! So much.....I just don't know where to start. I guess I'll just start, where it ended.  
  
Dad...he died in the afternoon, 22nd of October 2002. We, Elizabeth and me, were with him when he died. Live had left him already, a few hours before he died. He was so different, he wasn't himself when he died. I wish I wasn't there when it happened....it was so hard to see him laying there. I am wondering if I should tell you this, but I guess it's for the best if I tell it like this, I guess I can't tell it to you in the face....without crying. Maybe you don't ever read this notebook, maybe you don't want to know about him, but I can never be sure till you tell me, so I'll just continue.  
  
He was young, 38, when he died. I can't, don't want to, tell the details. Your mother, she loved him to death...she loved him so much, she was heartbroken when he died. She kept holding his hand, she kept looking him in the eyes....she was brave, until he stopped breathing. She just felt into my arms and cryed, she cryed for hours, WE cryed for hours. It was heartbreaking to see your mother that day, I really, really thought she'd never get over him. I hoped she would, but I thought she wouldn't. Elizabeth deserves a good life. That was when he died and a bit of how, let me now just tell you where and why. I think you'll have heared all about it, when you first read this page, but I want to tell you. I want to let you know how I feel about it.  
  
Where..he died at home, fortunately, I couldn't have seen him die in a hospitalbed. In his own bed. In his and Elizabeth's bed. Why....I can't give you an answer to that one. I think it was just God's will. Dad had a tumour, in his brain, it just ate his personality the last few days of his life. He had one before, but they were able to remove it then. But this time, nothing or nobody could help him. Maybe a miracle could, but that didn't happen. I think no-one, can ever give you an answer to the why-part. I keep asking God that question, why?, every time; I miss him, think about him, cry about him, everytime I look at you, i keep wondering why? Why dad? Nobody knows.  
  
I love you. You're so beautiful, you remind me of him. You're asleep next to me, peacefully, you're too young to understand what I am doing, what I am writing, but you'll find out someday.  
  
I will see you tomorrow.  
  
'Night my sweetest Ella.  
  
Rachel 


	2. 23 october 2003

23 october 2003  
  
You woke up really early this morning, it was like you knew. Like you knew what I had written down yesterday.  
  
I never knew writing is so much easier than talking. I went to bed yesterday, just after I finished writing, and I was thinking about what I could tell you today about dad. The strange thing is; I couldn't think of anything. I went downstairs, talked to your mother, and I asked her if she knew something. She freaked out! She yelled at me; she said I should stop writing to you, it was nonsense, you would never read it, there was no use in doing it, and so on. She kept going on. I told her to shut up and went upstairs again. I made a little note for myself; fight. I opened this notebook, put the paper inside and I climbed into my bed. I fell asleep and you woke me up this morning, too early.  
  
This day was strange. Weird. I'm glad it's over, a new day is waiting. I'll be leaving tomorrow, won't be seeing you for a long time. I've decided not to write to you every day. Only when I feel like telling something.  
  
I can't stay here any longer. Your mother and I, we haven't spoken to eachother the whole day. I won't talk, if she won't talk, and I guess she feels the same way. Good. I can't be with you, if she is around. I love your mother, I do...but she can annoy me, really.  
  
I'm gonna miss you though. I love you, for the past 2 months, I've been with you EVERY day. The next few months, I won't see you at all. I'll miss you so much. I hope you don't miss me too much, but if you do, blame your mother.  
  
All these bad feelings, made me have something good to write about. Dad. These fights, moments of silence...I remember them. Dad and Jennifer. They were married, I was...4. They had been fighting ALL day. They started when I left for school, and I could tell by looking at my moms eyes, when I came home, they hadn't stopped yet. Dad told me not to worry and that comforted me, he had this...thing. In his eyes, in his voice, it just made me feel good. I wish you could have known what I mean. Just ask anyone who knows him, they'll know what I mean. Still I wish you'd know. He was such a great guy. Writing about him, makes me remembering him. I dig, dig for memories. Most of them are good, but not all.  
  
That was enough for today. I'm tired. Need to catch an early flight tomorrow, so I'm gonna get some sleep.  
  
I love you. I hope you'll have a good few months. I won't be able to tell you anything about the coming months, but as soon as I'm back...I will start again. I need to go.  
  
Rachel 


	3. 1 january 2004

1 January 2004  
  
Happy New Year, my sweetest Ella. I hope this is going to be a good year. It must be.  
  
I'll turn 16 this year, you'll turn 3. I miss you, I miss you so much. I don't think I can describe how much I miss you. For the past few months, your mother never even called me, I didn't hear of her, not the slightest thing.... I don't even know if you are okay.  
  
I didn't do any interesting things the past time. I didn't even write to you, because I didn't know what to say, I didn't have a reason to write. Now I do. I wanted to wish you a happy new year. Speaking of happy new years, I remembered a new year's eve, a good one, yesterday.  
  
It was a beautiful night, stars in the sky, the sky was very dark, it was just perfect. Dad, me and mom, we went outside, to look at the fireworks. I remember dad telling this was the most beautiful new year's eve he'd ever had. It immediately was mine too.  
  
It wasn't especially the new years eve that was good, it was the memory that was, is, good. You know Ella, I love my dad a hundred times more than my mom. Don't ask me why...please don't ask me why. I can't give you an exact answer. I guess it's just...he was my rolemodel, my big example, I wanted to be like him. He was so loved, loved by everyone around him. He had this perfect job, he could help people. And now...I realise he had a perfect life. That's probably why it was my best new year's eve ever too.  
  
There are things to say Ella...good things, bad things. We are going to move. Not just 10 miles away, no, mom and Greg want to go to Holland. Greg has found a job there. That's not the worst thing.  
  
I have to see your mom tomorrow, I'm going to ask her if I can stay with her, with you. It's a very hard thing to do you know. Your mom and I, we have a history. It's not a good one, I'll hope she says yes, but I have to prepare for a no. I have my reasons for wanting to stay here, I hope she'll understand and she'll keep me here. I can't miss you. I can't miss being here in America. I can't imagine myself, having a totally new life in Holland, a strange country. That were the bad things.  
  
I know there aren't any good things, unless your mom let's me stay with her. If she does, Greg's gone. Mom's gone. I won't miss them. You might think, what did they do to you, to feel that way. Yeah well, that's the point. They didn't do anything to me. I could, still can, do everything I want, where I want, whenever I want. You might say that's a good thing, but it isn't. You'll be old enough to understand what I am going to tell you now, when you read this.  
  
I first slept with a boy, when I was 12. I smoked my first sigarette when I was 12, I started doing drugs when I was 12. I did everything, everything, a girl who is 12 years old, shouldn't do. It ruined my life. Every time I think about, how good my life could have been, if I would have stayed with dad, I feel like crying. They ruined my life. They did. My mom ruined my life. That's the worst thing that can happen to you.  
  
I hate feeling this way about my own mother, but it's just the way it is. When I first moved in with dad and Elizabeth, I felt trapped. I couldn't do everything I wanted anymore. They told me what I could or couldn't do. Now I realise that's a good thing. Your mom isn't like mine, that's a good thing. But she remembers me like the Rachel who was either stoned or drunk, who was being a whore and who couldn't take care of her daugther. I was that way, I was that Rachel. But I changed, I really did. She doesn't seem to....she doesn't, she wants to blame me for things. But I've changed. I'm not that Rachel anymore. I don't do drugs, I don't drink and I don't sleep around anymore. I'm not that Rachel anymore. I just wish she could understand that. But she can't. That's a bad thing.  
  
I hope she'll give me some good news tomorrow. My bags are packed already. Either for Holland or for you. I love you.  
  
Rachel. 


	4. 2 January 2004

2 January 2004  
  
My bags are still packed. Packed to go, packed to leave the country. After reading these 2 sentences you'll probably know what your mother said.  
  
I woke up this morning, nervous. It was early and I started worrying. Worrying about what was to come. I was afraid, your mom would say no. I decided to have some breakfast, a shower and to dress myself. It was 9.30 am when I was finished and I woke up Jennifer, so she could take me to the airport. 10 am, 10.30 am, 11 am.  
  
I was supposed to meet your mother at the hospital at 12 pm. She had to start working at 1 pm, so we'd have a hour to talk. But I was early and wanted to see you, so I decided to go to your house. I can't tell you in detail what happened after I arrived there. I can't remember all of it. Your mother made clear I shouldn't have come to her place, and I should have come to the hospital. She told me to leave and didn't give me a chance to see you. I wanted to explain, but as soon as I tryed to talk, she told me to shut up and she kept yelling; get out of my house. I left the house and went to the hospital, waiting for her. She arrived a bit before 1, so we had the time to talk.  
  
We had both calmed down and we could talk. I gave her my reasons for wanting to stay in Chicago, and not moving to Holland. I told her about my mom and Greg and about missing you, just like I told you yesterday. She didn't say anything until I finished. After I finished my story, she said she was sorry, but she didn't want me in her house. She had her hands full. She said goodbye and walked away, I gave up and went home.  
  
I didn't even get a chance to see you. That's what's the worst about this, not seeing you for a long time.  
  
I dislike her for doing this, (I dont want to mention the word hate.), she keeps me away from you.  
  
We are leaving tomorrow, very early.  
  
Today reminded me of Dad. I remembered how he always had to leave early, how he always told Jennifer he was sorry, how I loved him. I know I should tell you more about him, but I'm not in the mood, not today.  
  
I'm sorry. I love you.  
  
Goodbye, my sweetest Ella. Goodbye.  
  
Rachel. 


	5. 26 april 2004

26 april 2004  
  
Happy Birthday Ella. I know it's been a while. I just couldn't find the courage to write you, I didn't know what to say. The only good thing about not writing you for so long is, that I have so much to tell you right now! You might be wondering how I am doing now, I'm happy to tell you that I'm doing great. I miss you though. Let me just tell you some things.  
  
I met this really cool girl here. She is good at English, so I don't have to speak Dutch all the time. It's a difficult language, but I can manage. She's absolutely my girl! She looks cool and is cool!  
  
We've become really good friends, I told her all about you and Elizabeth. She said; that bitch! But on the other hand, it's good she wouldn't let you stay, otherwise we wouldn't have met!  
  
I agree with her. You might be wondering what she's like, what her name is and all that kinda stuff. Well, her name is Kim, she's fifteen, she loves acting, skating and bungeejumping! We do lots of stuff together. We're in the same class. It's all different here in Holland, but I'll tell you that someday. There's much more to say.  
  
Your mother called. She called a few weeks ago. We talked. She asked me how I was doing, if I liked it there, if I had met some nice people and stuff like that. I told her I was doing fine, and I asked her about you. She told me you were doing great and she would like me to come over. To stay with you and her for a few weeks. I told her I was busy and I couldn't come over. I told her I was sorry. She told me she had to hang up, because it was expensive.  
  
Guess where I am now?  
  
It's your birthday, I wanted to surprise you. I'm in Chicago. You're sitting on my nap. I have to go back in a few hours, because I have to go to school tomorrow. I enjoyed the day so far. I enjoyed being with you and your mother, now I realise how much I have missed you. But I also realise I don't wanna spend my time here. I want to spend my time in Holland. I'm very thankful to your mother. I told her that this afternoon, and she was happy. We made up and promised not to fight anymore.  
  
You ask me what I am doing all the time, I keep telling you; you'll find out someday.  
  
I got to go Ella. I'm gonna enjoy being with you again. I don't wanna waste my time writing anymore. I'll write to you tomorrow.  
  
I love you.  
  
Rachel. 


	6. 27 april 2004

27 April 2004  
  
Hey Ella,  
  
I had a safe journey home, in case you are wondering. I went to school today, saw my friends again. I had a great time being with you, I'd like to come over more often, but I can't seem to find time. I hope you and your mother will come and visit me once!  
  
Nothing special happened today....I hope you had more adventures today.  
  
This is gonna be a short write to you. I promised to write you so I do that.  
  
Maybe you wanna hear more about Dad; I think you should ask you mother about the things she experienced.  
  
Big Kiss. See You next time.  
  
Rachel  
  
  
  
Ella put the notebook on her bed, besides her. She went downstairs to see where her mother was. She spotted Elizabeth in the kitchen together with the twins.  
  
"Mom? Will you tell me about Dad?" Ella asked. "Hi Girls."  
  
"What do you wanna know?" Elizabeth said. "Sorry girls...Ella I was just washing their feet, hands and faces. Can we talk about Mark later, when they are upstairs?"  
  
"Sure." Ella said and went outdoors.  
  
Elizabeth walked to the playground. Ella has to be there, she thought. When Ella was deeply thinking about something, when she was hurt or confused she would be on a swing.  
  
Elizabeth arrived at the playground. She was right, Ella was sitting on a swing.  
  
"Hey babe." Elizabeth said.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"Rescue-ing you."  
  
"From what?"  
  
"Drowning."  
  
"What?"  
  
"From drowning in your thoughts." Elizabeth smiled at her daughter. "What's up sweetie? Huh? You haven't been talking about your dad for ages."  
  
"I was just wondering what you experienced with dad." Ella said.  
  
"I'll tell you later okay? The girls are home alone and I don't know what to tell you right now. I wanna think about it. Let's go home."  
  
"Okay." Rachel jumped off the swing. "Let's go, mother!"  
  
"Don't call me that! You know I hate it! I start feeling like my own mother when you call me that!" Elizabeth said with her british accent.  
  
"I won't do it again, mother. Sorry, mother. I promis I'll never do it again, mother!"  
  
"Stop it!" Elizabeth started tickling Ella. They both laughed and fell on the ground.  
  
"Let's go now, El." Elizabeth said and held out her hand. Ella took it and they walked home. 


	7. Answers

"Can we talk about dad now?" Ella asked. She had just helped her mother with getting her sisters into their beds.  
  
"Ofcourse....I'm sorry I didn't have time for you sooner." Elizabeth said. "I need to lay down, my back's killing me." They both walked to Elizabeth's bedroom so she could lay down.  
  
"Want me to rub your back?" Ella asked.  
  
"That would be great." Elizabeth said. "About you dad...just ask and I'll see if I can answer. But can I ask one question to you first?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Why? Why this sudden interest?"  
  
"Rachel."  
  
"You've been reading the notebooks again?"  
  
"Yeah...at least I get to know a little of her by reading the notebooks."  
  
"Okay, I was just wondering. So go ahead." Elizabeth said as she rolled on her side so Ella could rub her back. "I can't even lay on my tummy anymore!"  
  
"You've become fat! What did dad think of you being pregnant with me? It wasn't planned was it?"  
  
"You're right, it wasn't planned, but you were só welcome. Dr. Chen told me I was pregnant and the same evening I told your dad. He was very happy, but also worried. He had just found out about his braintumour. He was very emotional about me being pregnant and he having a braintumour."  
  
"How long have you been in love with him?"  
  
"I still am in love with him...."  
  
"Since?"  
  
"Since....first time I saw him. 3 years before you were born."  
  
"Were you with him when he died?"  
  
"I wasn't. I was bringing him something to drink, when I arrived upstairs he had just passed away."  
  
"Do you have pictures of him?"  
  
"Ofcourse I do!" Elizabeth said, gave Ella a kiss and walked across the room to take a photobook.  
  
"We made this photobook together. It's full of pictures of us. Take a look at it. By just looking you will learn something more about your dad and my love for him." Elizabeth walked towards Ella gave the book to her and walked to the door. "Oh my! The baby kicked!" She said on her way to the door.  
  
"Cool!!!" Ella jumped of the bed and walked to her mom. "Can I feel and listen?"  
  
"Go ahead." Elizabeth pulled a bit of her shirt up, so Ella could listen. "Ah man that so great! I can't wait to be pregnant!"  
  
"Oh no, don't even think about getting pregnant at 16!"  
  
"I can wait!"  
  
"Sure you can. El, I wanna go downstairs, take a look at the book, okay?"  
  
"I will." Ella said and she jumped on the bed again. "Mom, just one more thing."  
  
Elizabeth turned around. "What is it?"  
  
"How did Rachel die?" 


	8. The Photobook

Elizabeth didn't answer and walked out of the bedroom.  
  
"Mom! Don't avoid the subject!" Ella said. "I hate it when you do that! Talk to me."  
  
"Not now El." Elizabeth said and she went downstairs. "Just look through the photobook!!!!" Elizabeth yelled from downstairs.  
  
Ella walked into the livingroom. She saw Elizabeth sleeping on the couch.  
  
"Mom?" Ella whispered. "Mom wake up!" She said somewhat louder. Elizabeth slowly woke up.  
  
"Hi...sorry I fell asleep." Elizabeth said. "What's that you are holding?"  
  
"I was looking through the photobook and I took out some pictures, very careful so they can be put back in later."  
  
"What kind of pics?"  
  
"Pictures which were unclear to me." Ella said and she gave Elizabeth the first picture.  
  
"Ah..this is me, you and your dad." Elizabeth said. "You were just born, and I wasn't sure about the breastfeeding thing, but your dad told me it would be okay. You were not even one hour old on this picture!"  
  
"Wow...that's my dad at my birth..." Ella said and gave the second picture to Elizabeth.  
  
"This is you and Rachel...." Elizabeth said. "Just before she was leaving. Your dad just died and she had just asked me if she could visit you in the holidays...this picture was taken on the airport, just a quick shot of you and Rachel." Elizabeth said. "I think Jennifer shot it. Yeah, she must have."  
  
"And this one?" Ella gave the last picture to Elizabeth. "This one was made at the beach. I'm not sure who took it, it must have been a tourist because we are all in the shot....this is me, Rachel and your dad." Elizabeth said as she pointed at the picture. "Rachel was interested in this boy....we had just gotten her a surfboard." Elizabeth said and it was silent for a while.  
  
"Well sweetie, it's getting late. You have to go to school tomorrow so you better hurry, to you bed!"  
  
"Yeah...thanks mom." Ella said with a smile on her face.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For the pictures."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
"You loved eachother very very much."  
  
"We did. I still miss Mark every day. Especially now."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Now I'm pregnant. I hate being pregnant without him."  
  
"You chose for it, mom."  
  
"I know, I know, I guess I always wanted an even number of children. I really wanted a baby again. The twins is growing up so fast and so are you."  
  
"I know. But I still don't get it."  
  
"Get what?"  
  
"Well...why didn't you just wait. Wait for another man to have a child with?"  
  
"I don't wanna be committed to a guy, just because I carry or have his child. This is for the best, I'll never love a guy as much as I loved Mark."  
  
"Still it is not fair....me and the twins have the same mom and dad, and this baby won't."  
  
"Ella, it's enough okay? I don't wanna fight with you about this. The last word was said about this." Elizabeth said and she went upstairs.  
  
Ella turned out all the lights and she went upstairs too. She felt a bit sorry for being so rude to her mother. She decided to take a quick look if Elizabeth was still awake, if she was she would apologise.  
  
"Mom?" Ella whispered. No reaction.  
  
"Mom, we really need to talk." She said.  
  
"What is it now, Ella?" Elizabeth said, with a mad tone in her voice.  
  
"I'm sorry. I know it hasn't been easy for you and I think getting pregnant again was a very brave thing after all the troubles with the twins."  
  
"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have gotten so mad so quickly."  
  
"I hope this baby will be more like me, because I wasn't that full of energy when I was a baby and toddler right?"  
  
"No you weren't. But it's the decease El."  
  
"I know and it doesn't bother me, as long as they take their Ritalin."  
  
"I know, but I've gotten used to them being like that. It's just who they are." Elizabeth said. "I love you Ella."  
  
"I love you too." Ella said. "Well I'm going to get some sleep now."  
  
"You wanna sleep here?"  
  
"Sure I'm just gonna grab a few things."  
  
"Okay." Ella walked to her room, grabbed her pillow and her blanket, brushed her teeth and jumped into Elizabeth's bed.  
  
"Night." Elizabeth said.  
  
"Goodnight." Ella replied and she kissed her mother on the cheek and on the belly. 


	9. OB

28 April 2004.  
  
Hey Ella!  
  
It's kinda strange…but…Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday dear Rachel, Happy Birthday to meeeeee! I felt like writing to you because I suddenly remembered last year's birthday....it was good, and it wasn't.  
  
You're mother called me, I had invited her to come over, but she didn't feel like coming. She said she'd called me, because she had some things to say.  
  
I asked her if she really didn't wanna come over, because I really wanted to see her and you again. After a few minutes she finally agreed and a few hours later you were here.  
  
Elizabeth didn't have to tell me anything anymore. I saw it. She told me it was Dad's. I was happy about that.  
  
"Ella?" Elizabeth walked into her bedroom. "Can I talk to you?"  
  
"Sure" Ella said and she put Rachel's diary next to her on the bed.  
  
"I have an OB-appointment this afternoon, I was wondering if you wanted to come with me?"  
  
"I'd love to!!" Ella said.  
  
"Great." Elizabeth said. "There's one more thing; your question."  
  
"What question?"  
  
"How Rachel died."  
  
"Yeah, when are you gonna tell me?"  
  
"I wanted to do that this afternoon too, before or after we go to the appointment."  
  
"Finally!" Ella said.  
  
"Well El, the story isn't that great.." Elizabeth said. "I'll come and pick you up at school then okay. I will write a note so you can leave."  
  
"Sure." Ella said. Elizabeth left the room. Ella picked up the notebook again and she read on;  
  
Still I wasn't sure how to react or what to say. We barely talked that afternoon. It was terrible, but I was glad she at least wanted me to know that she was pregnant.  
  
Rachel 


	10. The letter

"Hey, how was school?" Elizabeth said as Ella stepped into the car.  
  
"Fine." Ella said. "So?"  
  
"So what?"  
  
"Are you gonna answer my question?"  
  
"Ella..." Elizabeth said. "I wanted to sit down so we could really talk about it."  
  
"We are sitting down."  
  
"You know what I mean."  
  
"Sure." Ella said.  
  
In the hospital.  
  
"It's difficult...I don't know where to start, I don't know what you know already."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"A lot has happened the last few months of her life."  
  
"When did she die?"  
  
"10 october 2007, she was only 19."  
  
"How did she die?"  
  
"She had an accident."  
  
"What kind of accident?"  
  
"She was in a carcrash."  
  
"What was so difficult about telling me that?"  
  
"You don't know the whole story yet. It was suicide."  
  
"Yeah right. Rachel would never do that! That's such bullshit!"  
  
"I knew you were gonna say that! I knew it! Let me finish my story okay? Don't interupt me. She had left Jennifer once more, and she had moved in with her boyfriend. They weren't really happy, married, and were gonna have a baby, who wasn't healthy."  
  
"What? Rachel was pregnant and married? No way, she would have told me!"  
  
"No she didn't. She wrote a letter to me. Sending the first 5 diaries. I took the letter with me. I want you to read it when we go home, okay? I don't want you being upset when we are at the OB. Okay?"  
  
"Fine, but I still don't believe it was suicide." Ella said and she ran away. Elizabeth stopped her and they went upstairs to the OB.  
  
  
  
OB  
  
"Hi, Elizabeth. Ah, I see you took your daughter with you. Nice."  
  
"Yeah, she wanted to see the baby."  
  
"Good, you know the drill."  
  
Elizabeth laid down on the table. Ella was still standing at the doorstep.  
  
"Come over here, sweety." Elizabeth said.  
  
"No, I'm fine here." Ella said.  
  
"See for yourself." Elizabeth said.  
  
"Okay lets see...." Dr. Coburn said. "Ah there the baby is, it's clearly visible. You want to know the sex?"  
  
Ella slowly moved towards Elizabeth so she could see the screen.  
  
"Do we El? Do we want to know the sex?"  
  
"I'm still mad." Ella said.  
  
"Fine." Elizabeth said. "No, I don't want to know the sex, it's gonna be a big surprise!"  
  
Ella was now so close she could see the screen. "What's that?" She asked, looking at dr. Coburn. "That's the heart."  
  
"And that?"  
  
"That's the legs." Elizabeth said.  
  
"I didn't ask you." Ella said.  
  
"Fine..FINE Ella!" Elizabeth said mad. "Get out! Get out of the room! If you can't talk to me, get out!" Elizabeth stood up, wiped the jelly of her tummy and pushed Ella out of the room. "I'd love to watch my baby, your brother or sister, together with you. But not like this. Damn it Ella! I was having such a good day, and you ruine it. You should have let me make the decision, but you really wanted to know what happened to her. Stupid, stupid me. I wish I'd never told you. Here, the letter. Go on, read it. I hope you'll be satisfied after you read it and I hope we can talk to eachother again. Now get out of my face."  
  
Ella took the letter and walked away.  
  
  
  
Dear Elizabeth,  
  
There are things to say, and it's not going to be easy.  
  
I have been writing diaries, for Ella. She can read them when she is old enough. I started them a year after Dad died and I am going to stop today. I send you the first 5 notebooks with this letter, the other one I'll post soon.  
  
I have had a pretty rough time. I left Jennifer once more. I left her about 3 months ago. I met this really cute guy at a party. He drove me home that evening and I asked him to come in and have a drink. Well, I guess you know what that means, asking someone in for a drink. I'm taking the birthcontrolpill, and he didn't have any condoms on him, so we decided..you get the point.  
  
That was 5 months ago. .I found out I was pregnant 4 months ago, I thought I could keep it a secret. But no. After a few weeks Jen saw right through me. "Are you pregnant?" I told her I was. She asked me who's it was and I told her. "That creep?" She said and that was it, she always had comments on my boyfriends, like Craig was such a hottie. I didn't wanna see her anymore. So I ran away, and Tom(my boyfriend) and I live together now. He had his own place already so it was easy for me to move in. We got married last month.  
  
Problems keep coming. I keep having fights with Jennifer and you and me don't talk to eachother anymore either. I had an OB appointment yesterday, another problem.  
  
You probably know I have been doing drugs since I was 13. So it's very hard to stop, just because you're pregnant. I tried, I really did, but I couldn't. So yesterday I heard my baby wasn't healthy. And she would probably have disturbance and god knows what else. She, yes it's a girl. I already gave her a name, so I can talk to her. Liz.  
  
When you get this letter, I probably won't be here anymore, if everything went right. I'm taking my little girl with me. Life is so miserable, I don't know what to do anymore.  
  
This is probably for the best.  
  
Tell Ella, Kay and Mel, I love them.  
  
Please don't grieve. It's for the best.  
  
Rachel.  
  
  
  
  
  
Ella was upset, didn't know what to say. All she knew was that her mom was right, like always. She had been stupid not to believe her. She had to go upstairs to apologise. 


	11. The Elevator

Ella walked to the elevator and bumped into Abby.  
  
"Hey!" Abby said.  
  
"Hi." Ella said and she stepped into the elevator.  
  
"Hang on, I need to go upstairs too." Abby said. "Wait for me, okay? I just gotta drop off this chart."  
  
"Okay." Ella waited for Abby and then she closed the doors.  
  
"Where are you going to?" Abby asked Ella.  
  
"To mom, she has an OB appointment. How about you?"  
  
"I'm going to OB too."  
  
"Ah..okay." Ella said, she took a good look at Abby, especially her figure. She thought Abby's belly was growing, but she wasn't sure and didn't wanna ask.  
  
"I know what you are thinking..." Abby said, touching her belly. "I'm..."Suddenly the elevator had stopped, but not on the right floor. Not on the right floor at all, they were hanging there, between the 3rd and 4th floor.  
  
"Oh no, come on!!!" Abby yelled and she banged at the doors. "A man! Come on! Just gooooo!"  
  
"Abby, I don't think that's working. We better hang on." Ella said and she pushed the emergency button, hoping someone would notice it and would get them out.  
  
"Yeah that's the best thing to do I guess."  
  
The two girls weren't talking to eachother for quite a while.  
  
"Are you pregnant?" Ella asked.  
  
"Yup." Abby said. "9 weeks."  
  
"Congratulations. Does Carter know?"  
  
"Yeah he knows. I told him on father's day."  
  
"Ah, that's so sweet. It's your 3rd right?"  
  
"Yeah. How far along is your mother now?"  
  
"She's 32 weeks."  
  
"So why aren't you with her?"  
  
"We had a fight....she told me about Rachel, my dad's other daughter. She told me how she died, and I wouldn't believe it. Mom gave me this letter, so I could read it. I now know she was right. I should have believed her. Did you know Rachel?"  
  
"Yeah I did. Not as well as you mom and dad did, but I knew her, she'd been to the hospital a few times. If you wanna know more about Rachel, you'd better go to Susan. She can tell you a lot more about her."  
  
"I'll think about it." Ella said and she layed down in the elevator, thinking about her mom and Abby, both being pregnant. "I wanna have a baby...it must be so great...being pregnant and all that stuff."  
  
"You're far too young, you shouldn't be thinking about stuff like that."  
  
"I'll wait for a few years I guess...I'll be having my hands full with the new baby!"  
  
"You'll regret it for the rest of your life, getting pregnant so young." Abby said. "It'll ruine your life."  
  
"I said I'll wait for a few years!" Ella said, pretty pissed.  
  
"Just believe me."  
  
"Yeah, I believe you." Ella yelled.  
  
Abby's eyes were full of tears.  
  
"I'm sorry Abby. I didn't mean it like that." Ella said and she sat down next to Abby.  
  
"I got pregnant when I was 17. I couldn't keep it, but I didn't want to have an abortion either. I had to choose the easy way. Abortion. I couldn't be pregnant. I was going to school and a baby would just ruine my life. So I had to have an abortion. No matter what you're gonna do, keep it or have an abortion, you'll regret it. I still do."  
  
"I didn't know. I'm sorry."  
  
"Nobody knows." Abby said. "Promiss me, that if you ever might get pregnant when you are so young, you'll really think about it, and not just do something, like I did."  
  
"Okay." Ella said. It was silent for a few minutes.  
  
Ella tried to cheer up Abby. "So how are you and Carter?"  
  
"Good, Good. The result will be visible in a few months!" Abby smiled toughing her tummy.  
  
"And the kids?"  
  
"Meggie is growing up too fast, yeah well...so is Kay. But they're fine."  
  
"Are you hoping for a boy this time?"  
  
"I don't care, I really don't. As long as the baby is health....."  
  
The elevator started moving again and opened at the 4th floor. "y."  
  
"There we are!" Ella said.  
  
"Ella!" Elizabeth said. "I was worried! I couldn't find you. I went downstairs and Jerry told me he'd seen you and Abby get in to the elevator, which was now stuck. I'm so glad you're okay."  
  
"Me too. Mom....I'm sorry." Ella said.  
  
"It's okay, baby."  
  
"Speaking of babies! Did you know Abby...." Ella said but she stopped. She saw Abby waving and making signs. "and Carter have 2 kids?"  
  
"Yeah...I was the one who told you."  
  
"Oh right." Ella said. "I couldn't remember where I got it from. Can we go home?"  
  
"Sure. Just go to the car, I'll be there in a minute."  
  
"Are you okay?" Elizabeth asked Abby.  
  
"Yeah I'm fine."  
  
"You've had some shortage of oxygen, in that elevator. Make sure Dr. Coburn double checks if the baby is okay."  
  
"Sure." Abby said and turned around, 10 seconds later she turned back. "How do you know? Did Dr. Coburn tell you?"  
  
"Oh Abby come on! You should have seen your face when Ella wanted to tell me."  
  
Abby smiled.  
  
Elizabeth smiled and she headed downstairs. 


	12. Baby?

"Mom? Mooooom! Are you off today?" Ella asked as she walked in to Elizabeth's bedroom. "Mooooom! It's time to get up!" "What time is it?" "7 am." Ella said. "I'm going to school in a hour." "Ella..please don't wake me up this early. I'm on maternity leave, remember? Make sure the twins go to school too." Elizabeth said. "I'm sooo tired, and my back is killing me." "Can I get you anything?" "Nope, it's okay. I wouldn't wanna hurt the baby, because my back is killing me." "We'll be gone then. See you this afternoon."  
  
"Mooom! I'm home!" Ella yelled, standing down the stairs. "The twins are outside." Ella didn't get a reaction and she assumed her mom was still sleeping. Half an hour later she went upstairs, because her mother still hadn't come downstairs. "Mom?" It was dark in the room. Ella turned on the light. "Mom?" She walked to the bed and touched her mother's face. Elizabeth's face was burning."Mom are you okay?" Ella lifted up the blankets and saw that her mother was laying in her own blood. "Oh my god! Moooom! Wake up!!!" Ella cryed. Elizabeth didn't react. Ella ran to the phone and dialed 911.  
  
"Sorry kiddo, you can't get on. You'll have to get to County yourself." The ambulance drove away, leaving a desperate Ella in front of the house. "Think Ella, Think. Get yourself to the hospital as soon as possible...but how?" Ella said to herself. She thought for a moment. "Abby! Abby!" Ella locked the doors of the house, ran to the playground, told her sisters to come with her and then ran as fast as she could to Abby's house. Ella rang the doorbell and banged at the door. "Relax man!" She heard Abby saying. "Ella, what's up?" Abby asked when she opened the door. "Hi, girls." Abby continued as the twins ran to the doorstep too. "You....You need to take me to the hospital. It's mom." Ella said. "What? What's wrong?" "She's...I don't know. I came home, she was still asleep, I thought. But when I checked half an hour later, she was burning up and she was laying in her own blood." "Oh my god.....John! John! I gotta take Ella to the hospital, Elizabeth had a bleeding!" "What, what? Calm down." John said. "What's wrong?" "Elizabeth had a bleeding, Ella found her in her own blood." "Ella, bleeding from what?" "I don't know, I think from downthere." Ella pointed between her legs. "What could it be John?" Abby asked. "I think it's an internal bleeding...but I'm not sure. It's possible she's just gonna have the baby, but it could be something else. I can't tell. Abby will take you to the hospital." John said. "I'll take care of these two, you can't take them with you." He took the twins inside and said goodbye to Abby and Ella.  
  
"Randi! Where's Dr. Corday?" "She's not working." "Never mind, Randi." Abby said. "Why can't they hire normal people here?" She whispered to Ella. "Let's go find mom!" "Sure, sorry." Abby said. "Luka! My mom was brought in, have you seen her?" Ella asked. "No, sorry."  
  
Abby told Ella to relax and she took her to the admin desk again. "Dr. Weaver?" "Abby. How can I help you?" "This is Ella, Elizabeth's daughter?" "Oh..you're looking for Elizabeth, aren't you?" "She's upstairs. Susan took care of her. I suggest you go to Susan. She's in the suture room." "Thanks." Abby and Ella walked to the suture room.  
  
"Susan! How's my mom?" "Excuse me?" Susan turned around and looked at a girl who looked exactly like Elizabeth. "You took care of my mom, right?" "Oh Ella, right." Susan said. "We were able to stop the bleeding. She's upstairs now, having an ultrasound. We need to make sure the baby is okay too. What happened to her?" "I don't know.I think she's been in bed all day, because she was still in bed when I came home from school. I went upstairs 30 minutes later and I found her, bleeding. Can I go see her?" "We had to give her several drugs to wake her up. Sure you can see her. I'll find you someone who can take you upstairs." "Can't Abby take me?" "Sure, sorry."  
  
Ella told Abby she was scared. She didn't know what to say to her mom. Abby comforted her and Ella went in the room to see her mother. "Ella." Elizabeth smiled. "Thank you." "For what?" "For taking me here." "What happened, mom?" "I don't know. I wanted to get up, but I couldn't. Few seconds later I think I passed out." "It was scary.I thought you would loose the baby or something." "I'm glad I didn't." Elizabeth said. "Come over here." She said to Ella who was still standing on the doorstep. Ella slowly walked to her mother, who kissed her. "Hi, beautiful." "Hi." Ella smiled. "Where's the twins?" "With Carter. Abby took me here and I left the twins with Carter." Ella said. "When can you go home, mom?" "Not yet. They want to keep me here for observation, because of this sudden bleeding. It didn't have an effect on the baby, but if it will happen again it might." "Do you have to stay here for a month??" "No, sweetie. Only for a few days. Listen to me: You can't stay home by yourself with the twins. I need to figure something out, you need to stay somewhere." "Maybe we can stay with Abby?" "The 3 of you? 5 kids in one house? I don't think Abby and John really appreciate that!" Elizabeth said. "Can't we ask?"  
  
Abby took Ella back to her place. She and Elizabeth had agreed the kids could stay at their place. It was getting pretty late and Abby was glad to enter a quiet place. All the kids were asleep. "Shit!" Ella said. "What?" "I need my notebook!" "We have paper and a pen too." "No, I need Rachel's notebook. I have to go home." "What are you talking about? Oh.never mind. I'll take you home." "Thanks." 5 minutes later, Abby and Ella came back. Ella had told Abby about the notebooks, she'd given Abby one to read. "I'm going upstairs." Ella said. "Read." Abby smiled and she said goodnight. John was asleep on the couch. She didn't want to wake him up, so she decided to go upstairs too, after covering John up with a blanket. 


End file.
